“A Missed Opportunity” (The Lone Ranger)

The Lone Ranger (Poster)
The release poster for The Lone Ranger, from 2013

Well, the other night, I saw The Lone Ranger with my family. Eh. It was exciting. That was about it. I talked with some other family members before, who said they liked it, and others who agreed with me. The action was good, so it had that going for it. But, to be honest, isn’t that what most of the action movies released these days are?

John Reid is a lawman in the CGI wild west, who helps save the passengers of a CGI train with the help of Tonto, the noble Indian savage. The CGI train attack was an escape attempt that succeeded, freeing Butch Cavendish, an evil and gruesome mercenary. Reid joins a CGI posse along with his brother to find Cavendish, but ends up dying along with the rest of the CGI posse. He is saved by Tonto, and becomes a CGI Spirit Walker, a man who cannot be killed in CGI battle. Together, Reid and Tonto go on a quest for CGI justice against Cavendish.

Clayton Moore (TLR)
Which version is better? You decide.

This movie had two things going for it. Action, and humor. It made me laugh a lot, and the action was pretty good, but the plot was boringly generic. Plus, was I the only one who thought that the whole “Sprit Walker” thing totally ruined the dramatic tension of the movie? (Wait, was Reid actually a Spirit Walker?) Also, was I (again) the only one that thought that Reid having an affair with his late brother’s wife was kind of odd? And that the small child was the only one who wasn’t okay with this? His mother, Reid’s brother’s wife, had no problem with abandoning her dead husband for her husband’s brother. Anyway, I thought that I would put together a list of smaller things that I didn’t like.

  • The story is told by an older Tonto, who is on display in a museum for some reason that is never explained, and the kid that he’s telling the story to, as well as all the other people in the museum, have no problem with this.
  • Really? Trains? We’re doing another western movie about trains? Did absolutely anything noteworthy happen in the west that didn’t involve trains? ‘Cause cinema would have you think otherwise.
  • The rabbits. There were flesh-eating rabbits in this movie, and they served absolutely no purpose.
  • Tonto complains that the pickles at the bar “are not properly refrigerated”.
  • Tonto jumps an estimated forty feet down into a train car full of jagged Silver nuggets, and walks away, fine, within seconds.
  • The first of only two female leads (the second of which only raises her leg up really high and then shoots people) is about to do something that’s actually central to the story, but is stopped by Tonto throwing rocks, for a small laugh.
  • Was Reid actually a Spirit Walker? Because halfway through the movie, Reid claims that there’s no such thing, and then gets all mad at Tonto, but then in the finale, he says: “I’m a Spirit Walker, I can’t miss!”. Was there ever such thing as a Spirit Walker in this movie?
  • And when was it defined in the movie that Spirit Walkers can’t miss? ‘Cause that ruins the suspense of the movie even more.
  • In the beginning of the movie, Reid wont leave Tonto’s side. Then, when Tonto rescues him, Reid threatens him with a gun. After that, they become the best of friends, until Reid tries, unsuccessfully, to ditch Tonto twice. Tonto still turns up to save his life, and then they are compatible allies, helping each other out for the finale.
  • Does anyone film a real movie anymore? Now, I’m no CGI expert, (far from it) but it seemed that this entire movie was pretty much all computer generated.
  • At the end of the movie, Tonto disappears out of his display, assumingly out of the back, which is a painted wall.
  • The credits. These were terrible. The contrast literally made it almost impossible to read. How could they have not caught this?

If you like action movies, this might be your cup of tea. If you like to laugh, this also might be your cup of tea. I like both, but I also like my funny action movies to have reasonable and original plots. If you’re going to watch it, make sure to turn off your brain.  5 out of 10.

Release Date: July 3rd, 2013

Director: Gore Verbinski, with Johnny Depp and Armie Hammer

Runtime: 149 minutes (two hours and 29 minutes)

The Lone Ranger pulled in around $90 million with a budget of around $215 million


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